Good night, and good luck...

Sun, 29 Jun 2008 21:04:37 GMT

Where the hell have I been?

Up in Healdsburg, Sonoma County. Let me tell all you wine people something you need to know, and when I say "need" it's not simply because you bother me. No no no. The whole world is laughing at you.

Grapes are not that fascinating.

They really aren't. And since I can get a pretentious (I am being completely serious here) sandwich, book, gelato, some kind of child's toy, and a glass of wine all in one place, I think some of of you need to get some perspective.

(Of course, if I drank wine, I might be one of you, using words like "confident" and "beguiling" to describe inebriating grapes, too)

Day 10,229

Mon, 19 May 2008 06:18:09 GMT

Still my birthday for a little bit longer. Still not a pirate. Although they do have their own magazine, I recently discovered.

: )

It could've been funny and it wasn't my fault

Wed, 14 May 2008 19:45:44 GMT

It's around noon, right? These people shouldn't be home in the middle of the day.

So maybe I was using my (now broken) Dremel to obnoxiously sand bits of glass out on my balcony. And maybe once I noticed a fucking spider crawling ON me I did scream "Cocksucker" and "Motherfucker" and "You eight-legged goddamn son of a bitch get the fuck off cocksucker" or something like that. Maybe there was even a smallish gathering of children within earshot somewhere (I say 'within earshot' because I can now hear some of them repeating me like fucking parrots).

It was ON me. The situation clearly called for drastic overreaction on my part.

Mon, 24 Mar 2008 09:36:29 GMT

It can and will be a political point in the morning, I'm sure. For now though, we can be just sad.

Sun, 23 Mar 2008 19:37:10 GMT

If your sister told you to set up a thing online to sell crap that you made, and she bothered you about it for months, and dragged your parents into it, and her boyfriend, so then you finally fucking did it and she doesn't buy anything and recently told you she didn't really like your stuff well maybe some of it, would you be annoyed?

Tue, 18 Mar 2008 03:17:57 GMT

This is for all you Clinton people out in my state of Pennsylvania- and keep in mind, I like most of you. I actually know a lot of you, and I still like most of you. (When I'm drunk)

James Carville is being unfair when he says that that middle section between Philadelphia + Pittsburgh is just like Alabama.

It's worse.

I went searching for the legendary Wawa made entirely out of wood, and got a little too far out into The Middle one night. This is where I saw the Klan.

Interesting And Unsurprising Fun Fact- They all drive white Ford Explorers.

But my point, and this is why it's for the Clinton people specifically, is that in my travels, Wawa-related or otherwise, I've found that people who are unwilling to vote for a black man, are more than happy to not vote for a woman either.

Thu, 21 Feb 2008 11:16:02 GMT

Wow, this is what I think about when a transcript from 2003 about video games is due for possibly probably no reason in less than 5 hours.

this movie SUCKED.

Thu, 31 Jan 2008 20:38:30 GMT

Well, I was voting for John Edwards : (

Wed, 30 Jan 2008 00:08:03 GMT

If I ever end up contributing to the world's problems by breeding, and my kids turns out like, oh, I don't know, Huckabee, or Romney, or anyone vigorously applauding President Shit-For-Brains last night, I'm going to tell them that after I'm dead, I'll still watch over them, totally disappointed.

Thu, 29 Nov 2007 08:13:30 GMT

My Dad just asked me if he should bother watching the republican debate. I asked him if he wanted to feel smart.

Put aside the humor for a moment and understand the truth behind it. Listening to most of these pinheads will boost your confidence in your intelligence and more importantly maybe, your own common sense and perception of logic and illogic.

But then you might remember, as I did, that one of these idiots has to win the nomination. And that there is a real possibility that they too, might become appointed president.

I have to admire Huckabee's eluding the "what would Jesus do" question in regards to the death penalty. Skillfully avoided, sir. I have to agree, evolution clearly did not have anything to do with you.

Mitt Romney once again has spoken loudly and articulately without saying anything of substance. Oh wait, didn't he say yesterday he wouldn't have any Muslims in his cabinet? That may have been the most truthful thing he's ever said, and of course he tripped all over his magic underwear trying to take it back.

Fred Thompson is Frankenberry. Trust me, it's bizarrely and frighteningly obvious.

Tue, 06 Nov 2007 03:38:15 GMT

Going in for more surgery tomorrow, about $3000 of more surgery. Grafting something to something else, I don't know, stopped listening.

Debbie's out in Monterey Park with her dog, 4 cats, 7 bunnies, 3 turtles, guinea pig, boyfriend, + boyfriend's mother which has nothing to do with anything but I just wanted to see all that typed out.

Fri, 02 Nov 2007 20:37:53 GMT

Oh Christ why do I do this to myself?

Mitt Romney is an idiot who should have been poor - maybe then he would have learned compassion - maybe.
"America's Mayor" is 9/11 dangerously delud-9/11-ed. Hey, douche-9/11-bag, stop attacking people for flaws that are first, inaccurate, and second 9/11, yours.

I am seriously afraid that I have overestimated the intelligence of Americans.

Thu, 18 Oct 2007 22:27:09 GMT

I think Santa Claus almost hit me just now. It would have been my fault, I think, but it was a fat man in a red truck stuffed into a red shirt with a white beard, and I guess some people (Santa if anyone) can be jolly while expressing their belief that a person is a stupid cunt.

Some of my perio-prostho-endodonto-dentists are in Brentwood, and I like taking Coldwater Canyon back. Sure, it's bumpy, indirect, and can be very slow (there's a Larry Craig joke in here somewhere). But it's pretty, and not the 405.

On one of the I'm-too-rich-to-bother-learning-how-to-drive-my-overpriced-car stretches I saw a jag with REAGAN stickers on each back window. Then I got home and learned that even though the idiot prick is gone, his legacy of moronic selfish policies prevails once again, in an appalling veto, and frustrating failure to override that veto.

This is not a victory for the White House, or anyone else.

Fri, 05 Oct 2007 17:42:32 GMT

Well, it's good to know someone at The New York Times is catching up with me.

Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:24:52 GMT

Terry Jeffrey is a jerk.

If you're reading this, Terry Jeffrey, and you're not, because opinions different from yours don't even make it past your earwax, I feel obligated to tell you that, yes, you're a total jerk. The phrase "socialized healthcare" was designed to frighten uninformed people into continuing to pay appalling insurance premiums for substandard and sometimes nonexistent healthcare. And you know it.

President Bush has borrowed more money from foreign governments and banks than all- yes, all- 42 previous presidents combined. He's going to ask Congress for $190 billion for his war next week. But providing healthcare to children at $35 billion over 5 years is socialized healthcare, and fiscal irresponsibility, though it's clear that you have no idea what that actually means. Get a brain, Terry Jeffrey, you and all your "commentators".

Wednesday (tomorrow) 10/3/2007

Wed, 03 Oct 2007 01:46:47 GMT

That is so totally my 10,000th day alive : )

*grumbles* still not a pirate though... arrr

Fri, 21 Sep 2007 10:22:36 GMT

OK, this is the way it is, people.

"General Betray Us" was totally funny. It was at least as funny as Bush looking under his desk for those darn weapons of mass destruction.

But the punchline of the week? Condemning one page in a newspaper. Good thing nobody has anything more pressing to give their attention to.

How could anyone want to attack us? We are fucking hilarious.

Thu, 20 Sep 2007 05:38:26 GMT

I keep seeing action figure-sized Paul McCartneys out of the corner of my eye.

Sat, 15 Sep 2007 19:27:21 GMT

For all the years before G.W. Bush, I've believed (loudly, at Republican conventions + gatherings) that Reagan was pretty much the worst president ever. You know I'm right.

Yet now, almost every single one of those moronic (and probably anti-gay, unless in an airport-bathroom somewhere) Republicans invoke him like he was Jesus, which should tell you what good Christians they are.

It just makes me wonder if our current conservative craptastrophe president is going to be right with one of his predictions after all. Will history vindicate him?

If it does, I blame Reagan.

Fri, 24 Aug 2007 17:30:56 GMT

I have the queerest feeling... that someone is getting one year closer to thirty tomorrow.. Hmm...

Tue, 24 Jul 2007 00:46:43 GMT

Oh fucking christ I just saw a commercial with the inspiring little jingle "Viva Viagra"...

Not quite as horrifying as the restless leg syndrome med's "If you experience increased gambling, sexual or other intense urges call your doctor" warning.

And one more thing - Mitt Romney would sell his kids' souls to be president.
What, Mitt? Lighten up!

Sun, 22 Jul 2007 10:00:50 GMT

Here's why I like Rick Sanchez of CNN. Anchors are usually shown shoulders up, and Rick is no exception. Yet, somehow, he still manages to point at me.

Happy Birthday (a couple days ago, yes, but I'm a procrastastrophe) Marc!

I want to do two things. First, I want to approach the shortest man in the world, who I believe is 21 1/2 inches tall, and tell him to pick on somebody his own size.

Second, on every Staples delivery truck, they have "I Brake For Empty Staplers" printed on the side. I'm going to follow one around with my empty stapler and see if it's true.

Sun, 15 Jul 2007 12:45:00 GMT

Oh for Eisner's sake.

Grandma's got maggots. Sorry, but I can't sleep, exquisitely vivid nightmares entertain me and my skin is crawling- not quite like my mother's mother, but it's enough.

She has cellulitis in her legs. Had it, in fact, for years. Every time we try to fix it- think we have actually- turns out that no, no we didn't get it.

She hadn't been to meals for 3 days. When the people at the "manor" where she lives finally checked on her, she was sitting in her chair. Her feet hurt and she couldn't walk. At the hospital the doctor figured it out and poured some kind of pesticide on her feet and hundreds of tiny-

You get the point.

She's delighted. She loves the "fly therapy" she's apparently receiving. And then something about being related to Lady Bird Johnson and working with Einstein. (Some of you may remember that Grandma is, to put it bluntly because it's 5-something in the morning and I am not feeling my words here- insane).

The reason I'm writing about this now- I've known for a couple days but have been laughing completely without humor about it- there are tiny baby flies in her room now.

Mon, 09 Jul 2007 02:29:57 GMT

I saw "SiCKO" and I cried.

Anyway. Last night on CNN Special Investigations they showed "Battlefield Breakdown" and featured the distraught parents of a National Guardsman killed at 27 on his 3rd day in Iraq. I cried when his mother asked why it had to happen to her son. I wanted to cry when I asked the wall why it takes a personal loss before we grieve, or want them to come home, or to never have been sent at all.

It doesn't need to be one of yours for it to hurt. It shouldn't need to be any for people to doubt.

Mon, 25 Jun 2007 09:31:39 GMT

.....